Why is teaching such a struggle? Why can't a well-educated person make it work? Read this article, from today's New York Times. I've come to realize that my frustration comes from the fact that I don't have the resources or time to do my best and to really help these students. And when I stopped staying until 7pm every night (as I did in my first year) and accepted a little bit of mediocrity from myself and my students as a coping mechanism, a little bit of me died. Why does this career, that can have such serene moments of happiness and reward, need to also be a place where your spirit is defeated, in a small and piercing way? In the end, admitting that you can't "do it all" is a failing and I'm not ready to stick up for that choice. Because ultimately, I'm failing 70 children, who need to learn English to survive.

It feels somewhat like I'm a doctor who went to two years of medical school, then was thrown into a situation where there was minimal support staff, and I needed to see at least 50 patients per day, but in small groups! I don't have the answers to their problems off the top of my head, so it requires research, collaboration, and materials to target a specific need, when there is limited potential for each. I dreamed of working at a school where teaching was a science and teachers were miracle workers, only because they did have solutions, and the correlated enthusiasm for their careers. That's not the case where I work. People end the day of Friday with a flippant and telling "I'm out of here!" while I return to my classroom, to study my gigantic grammar book, and wrack my brain for best practice. When I do make lessons of quality (for my 10 groups of students each day), it's the result of dozens of hours of additional work, outside of my "required" hours. I wish my hours were 8-6 and that we worked through the summer. It would make this feel like a job where the best is expected, not simply appreciated with a pat on the back, and a "Don't work too long, Nicole!" yelled at my doorway.

I don't have an answer about this. But I did make myself a promise that I wouldn't let myself change, or give leeway to my moral standards, to make a struggling career work. I won't compromise about doing my best for children's sake. So I'm brainstorming to decide what's next.