Tucson
I've been in Arizona since Saturday and it's really the nice, warm break that I needed. Although, I'm getting a little bit tired of my grandparents' sleeping habits (wake up at 5am, nap for an hour after lunch, and in bed by 9pm). I love my grandparents so much, but they're suddenly seeming older than they ever used to. And it's natural and I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does...it's making me kind of moody (could we debate the name of the restaurant you ate at 30 years ago for another hour, please?), so I'm going to go explore the city today on my own :)
I miss hugable vegetation down here...I don't think I could ever really bond with a place where you can never venture off the path and the plants are purely decorative. I grew up as a barefoot tree-climber!
I'm still debating what my career path will be. I think I could remain in the teaching field if I also spent more time writing and publishing about teaching- and possibly attending conferences in exotic locales! It seems like everyone my age is asking the same questions and has the same fears of stagnation and missed opportunities. My comfort is that my parents begin new endeavors every year or so- and then abandon them just as quickly- and they are always completely random (mosaic-making? Jujitzu? Hospital ministry?) Their fall-back plan, if they ever feel too routinzed if their city life, is to travel across the U.S.A. on a harley, with my mom driving, just to mix things up :)
I think I want to go to more shows this Spring...suggestions?
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I need to make a choice: go to law school or remain in my job as an elementary ESL teacher.
Reasons I want to be a lawyer:
*In pushing for equality for immigrant children, I can offer even more support to the children that I work with.
*Eventually, I'll be able to realistically provide for my children's college education (thinking ahead, I know, but considering the cost of Wash U, it's definitely time to start!)
*I will have more professional prestige, which is not the most important thing, but at least I won't feel like people usually underestimate my career choice.
*I need a challenge.
Reasons I want to stay as a teacher:
*I have so much fun with my students and take pride in their accomplishments.
*I have a job: it's guaranteed and my salary will rise a little bit after I finish my M. Ed. this summer.
*It's a positive work environment.
*Summer Vacation! (which could be a way to save a ton on childcare eventually, too).
*Paying off loans instead of taking out new ones (yikes).
I don't know which choice is "the road less traveled!" For a Wash U grad, probably being a teacher is less expected, but in terms of difficulty and taking a risk, law school would be the answer. I don't actually need to decide right now, or even this year, but I feel like I want some semblance of a life plan.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I need to make a choice: go to law school or remain in my job as an elementary ESL teacher.
Reasons I want to be a lawyer:
*In pushing for equality for immigrant children, I can offer even more support to the children that I work with.
*Eventually, I'll be able to realistically provide for my children's college education (thinking ahead, I know, but considering the cost of Wash U, it's definitely time to start!)
*I will have more professional prestige, which is not the most important thing, but at least I won't feel like people usually underestimate my career choice.
*I need a challenge.
Reasons I want to stay as a teacher:
*I have so much fun with my students and take pride in their accomplishments.
*I have a job: it's guaranteed and my salary will rise a little bit after I finish my M. Ed. this summer.
*It's a positive work environment.
*Summer Vacation! (which could be a way to save a ton on childcare eventually, too).
*Paying off loans instead of taking out new ones (yikes).
I don't know which choice is "the road less traveled!" For a Wash U grad, probably being a teacher is less expected, but in terms of difficulty and taking a risk, law school would be the answer. I don't actually need to decide right now, or even this year, but I feel like I want some semblance of a life plan.
Monday, March 20, 2006
What does No Child Left Behind mean for schools?
Every ESL student at my school will be taking 16 hours of tests over a two-week period in April. I won't be teaching any students for those two weeks because I'll be administering the tests to small groups every day, all day long. I think I might set up a zen room, with candles, low lights, and Enya playing softly, where I can go and "center" myself after hours of silent sitting and watching kids fill in little bubbles.
Every ESL student at my school will be taking 16 hours of tests over a two-week period in April. I won't be teaching any students for those two weeks because I'll be administering the tests to small groups every day, all day long. I think I might set up a zen room, with candles, low lights, and Enya playing softly, where I can go and "center" myself after hours of silent sitting and watching kids fill in little bubbles.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
The Fear
There was a brief report on the news tonight that was about a robbery in my neighborhood. Some out of towners were eating at a barbeque restaurant on Saturday night...one which I walk past all the time. On the way back to their car, which was parked on a busy street in front of brand new luxury townhomes, they were assaulted, robbed without struggle, and then, senslessly, a man was shot in the head. This all happened about 6 blocks from where I'm sitting now.
That made me start thinking about my own fears. I have basic fears: spiders, creaky noises, forgetting important meetings. But I also have looming fears, like palls that I turn my back on instead of facing. I don't let myself worry about violence, racism, death, poverty, disease, or war. While I try to do "what I can" to help, it is never really the assistance that I can actually afford, but a easy, safe, and painless effort. I give money to charity, I'm going to try to volunteer this summer, but I cannot bring myself to read articles about the suffering in depth, nor can I throw myself into a cause. "Not at this time in my life" is my mantra (or excuse), but it's really a way of avoiding that pain and the fear that it would consume me if I let it in. This is the typical sugar-coated reality that Americans are guaranteed. We are so lucky.
That isn't to say that our country doesn't have many problems as well...but generally, we have more of everything than most of the rest of the world.
Gun violence is one of our problems. Thousands of people die every year from gunshots. I hope and pray that the innocent man who was 6 blocks away doesn't soon become a victim as well. While I am shocked, I'm not surprised that this happened so close to my home. However, I am afraid that it will let the fear into my life and decision-making. Fear of armed robbery will be added to my mental list of fears-by-association that I keep in my head at nighttime.
Number 1 is rape. Throughout college, I was counciled on the horrors, and it seems even more prevalent to discuss self-defense and self-preservation strategy in mainstream media today. All of that is extremely beneficial, but it has also increased my fear and on-edge state in places that seem obviously risky, like parking garages, closed stairwells, alleys, parking lots, and any place downtown. My heart has started racing now just thinking about it.
My second fear is being hit by a car. One of my mother's colleagues lost his son when he was hit by a car in New York City. The driver ran a red light, hit him, and kept driving. When I attended the funeral with my mother, she looked me straight in the eye and told me that I had to be safe anytime I was walking near any street. Advice that I'd known since I was 4 suddenly became less nagging: it is engrained in my mind because it is now correlated with the possibility of causing horrible pain to my parents.
My third fear is car crashes. I've lost two friends and I remember them always when I'm driving in rain and snow, which makes me drive more cautiously than necessary...because the memory of the sadness caused by their deaths has stayed with me.
These fears are not welcomed companions. I would wish them away in a second if they weren't a part of my reality. I don't know if they've protected me, insulated me from pain, but I know that they control my behavior and inhibit my sense of freedom. In the end, what I fear most is fear itself, like the saying, because it does have the capacity to manipulate me, as it does to people all around the world, in places much less safe than where I live. And because of that, I can brush my fears aside tonight, turn off my computer, and curl up in my down comforter, dreaming about tomorrow's classes at school. I can only sleep well if I make myself believe, like most Americans do, that what I fear most will never happen to me. There is hope in that ideal.
There was a brief report on the news tonight that was about a robbery in my neighborhood. Some out of towners were eating at a barbeque restaurant on Saturday night...one which I walk past all the time. On the way back to their car, which was parked on a busy street in front of brand new luxury townhomes, they were assaulted, robbed without struggle, and then, senslessly, a man was shot in the head. This all happened about 6 blocks from where I'm sitting now.
That made me start thinking about my own fears. I have basic fears: spiders, creaky noises, forgetting important meetings. But I also have looming fears, like palls that I turn my back on instead of facing. I don't let myself worry about violence, racism, death, poverty, disease, or war. While I try to do "what I can" to help, it is never really the assistance that I can actually afford, but a easy, safe, and painless effort. I give money to charity, I'm going to try to volunteer this summer, but I cannot bring myself to read articles about the suffering in depth, nor can I throw myself into a cause. "Not at this time in my life" is my mantra (or excuse), but it's really a way of avoiding that pain and the fear that it would consume me if I let it in. This is the typical sugar-coated reality that Americans are guaranteed. We are so lucky.
That isn't to say that our country doesn't have many problems as well...but generally, we have more of everything than most of the rest of the world.
Gun violence is one of our problems. Thousands of people die every year from gunshots. I hope and pray that the innocent man who was 6 blocks away doesn't soon become a victim as well. While I am shocked, I'm not surprised that this happened so close to my home. However, I am afraid that it will let the fear into my life and decision-making. Fear of armed robbery will be added to my mental list of fears-by-association that I keep in my head at nighttime.
Number 1 is rape. Throughout college, I was counciled on the horrors, and it seems even more prevalent to discuss self-defense and self-preservation strategy in mainstream media today. All of that is extremely beneficial, but it has also increased my fear and on-edge state in places that seem obviously risky, like parking garages, closed stairwells, alleys, parking lots, and any place downtown. My heart has started racing now just thinking about it.
My second fear is being hit by a car. One of my mother's colleagues lost his son when he was hit by a car in New York City. The driver ran a red light, hit him, and kept driving. When I attended the funeral with my mother, she looked me straight in the eye and told me that I had to be safe anytime I was walking near any street. Advice that I'd known since I was 4 suddenly became less nagging: it is engrained in my mind because it is now correlated with the possibility of causing horrible pain to my parents.
My third fear is car crashes. I've lost two friends and I remember them always when I'm driving in rain and snow, which makes me drive more cautiously than necessary...because the memory of the sadness caused by their deaths has stayed with me.
These fears are not welcomed companions. I would wish them away in a second if they weren't a part of my reality. I don't know if they've protected me, insulated me from pain, but I know that they control my behavior and inhibit my sense of freedom. In the end, what I fear most is fear itself, like the saying, because it does have the capacity to manipulate me, as it does to people all around the world, in places much less safe than where I live. And because of that, I can brush my fears aside tonight, turn off my computer, and curl up in my down comforter, dreaming about tomorrow's classes at school. I can only sleep well if I make myself believe, like most Americans do, that what I fear most will never happen to me. There is hope in that ideal.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Abject Bad Moods
Two people at school have been driving me crazy all week with bizarre, out-of-character mood swings! It was starting to make me feel self conscious...am I a bad teacher/colleague? Well, as usual, it turns out that both of them are dealing with big (somewhat secret) changes that explain everything. At a parent-teacher conference, I asked a student's mom why his behavior might have changed this week. "Well," she said, after considering it for a bit, "maybe it's because I fought with his father last weekend and moved out the next day." Yeah, maybe that's it.
Then today, a colleague who's just been kind of nasty all week, let me know that her husband lost his job over the weekend. At least now I can try to help her with planning and not just try to stay out of the room when she's there.
I am very very excited for happy hour on Friday. The most hilarious thing in the world to me is listening to how elementary teachers actually talk and thinking about how I revered my teachers when I was little. I'm thinking it will be even more interesting when they've been drinking. Yesterday, one of my friends at work had to eat dinner in the lounge really fast so she could get back to conferences. She said "I gotta scarf this hot dog and haul ass back to my room." I could not stop laughing. But it was the reality of the situation for most of us:) 11 hour days are no fun.
Two people at school have been driving me crazy all week with bizarre, out-of-character mood swings! It was starting to make me feel self conscious...am I a bad teacher/colleague? Well, as usual, it turns out that both of them are dealing with big (somewhat secret) changes that explain everything. At a parent-teacher conference, I asked a student's mom why his behavior might have changed this week. "Well," she said, after considering it for a bit, "maybe it's because I fought with his father last weekend and moved out the next day." Yeah, maybe that's it.
Then today, a colleague who's just been kind of nasty all week, let me know that her husband lost his job over the weekend. At least now I can try to help her with planning and not just try to stay out of the room when she's there.
I am very very excited for happy hour on Friday. The most hilarious thing in the world to me is listening to how elementary teachers actually talk and thinking about how I revered my teachers when I was little. I'm thinking it will be even more interesting when they've been drinking. Yesterday, one of my friends at work had to eat dinner in the lounge really fast so she could get back to conferences. She said "I gotta scarf this hot dog and haul ass back to my room." I could not stop laughing. But it was the reality of the situation for most of us:) 11 hour days are no fun.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Sunday, March 12, 2006
I woke up really early again today. I walked into Uptown and had breakfast at the Uptown Cafe. It is definitely a greasy spoon. When I was there, a man who looked like Andy Warhol said that he liked my hair and where did I buy the "fall?" Oh my gosh! I don't wear fake hair; I have so much to deal with already. I know I'm not ruining any illusions when I say that I actually have to work really hard not to look like Roseanna Roseanna-danna...and it ends up looking like clip-on? Does my hair look fake?
Two weeks until Spring Break!! I can't wait to have a week relaxing in Arizona. And I'm so excited for my first foray into Mexico...cheesy tourist souvenirs, watch out! I'm coming to get you all.
Two weeks until Spring Break!! I can't wait to have a week relaxing in Arizona. And I'm so excited for my first foray into Mexico...cheesy tourist souvenirs, watch out! I'm coming to get you all.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Springtime?
I went for a sunrise run this morning. It felt like Spring when I started, but by the time I was three miles from my apartment- on Mt. Curve Drive near I-94- clouds covered the sun and there were huge gusts of wind...and I was only wearing a t-shirt and shorts! I tried sprinting to warm myself up, but I was having difficulty controlling my freezing ankles and I was afraid I might trip:) The weather is sneaky. I was so excited for it to be warm enough for running again and it lured me out there! Oh well. I still can't really control my fingers, they're moving in slow-motion like when your foot falls asleep, so I'm going to take a hot bath to regain my circulation. I can't wait for the actual warm breezes and earthy smell of Springtime...the hope and potential of the season is why it's my favorite time of year.
I went for a sunrise run this morning. It felt like Spring when I started, but by the time I was three miles from my apartment- on Mt. Curve Drive near I-94- clouds covered the sun and there were huge gusts of wind...and I was only wearing a t-shirt and shorts! I tried sprinting to warm myself up, but I was having difficulty controlling my freezing ankles and I was afraid I might trip:) The weather is sneaky. I was so excited for it to be warm enough for running again and it lured me out there! Oh well. I still can't really control my fingers, they're moving in slow-motion like when your foot falls asleep, so I'm going to take a hot bath to regain my circulation. I can't wait for the actual warm breezes and earthy smell of Springtime...the hope and potential of the season is why it's my favorite time of year.
Monday, March 06, 2006
The Other White Meat
We read a story today which contained the line "He shook hands with white men and black men, red and yellow men." I really don't understand why any recent text would say red or yellow that way, so I skipped it and said "and men of other different colors of skin," but it raised questions from some of my students. After class, one sweet little boy came up and asked me "what color am I? Am I black or white?" He is from Mexico, but I wanted to resist saying "Hispanic" and starting a discussion about that term, which I dislike anyway. So I named the color of his skin and then the color of my skin. Then he and a few students talked about how everyone's skin is a little bit different and it's only what inside that counts. But he was not satisfied. So he asked another question:
"Am I pork?"
"Excuse me?"
"Am I 100% pork?"
"Well, pork is pig meat and you are human meat!" :)
"Oh, but I'm the other white meat."
We read a story today which contained the line "He shook hands with white men and black men, red and yellow men." I really don't understand why any recent text would say red or yellow that way, so I skipped it and said "and men of other different colors of skin," but it raised questions from some of my students. After class, one sweet little boy came up and asked me "what color am I? Am I black or white?" He is from Mexico, but I wanted to resist saying "Hispanic" and starting a discussion about that term, which I dislike anyway. So I named the color of his skin and then the color of my skin. Then he and a few students talked about how everyone's skin is a little bit different and it's only what inside that counts. But he was not satisfied. So he asked another question:
"Am I pork?"
"Excuse me?"
"Am I 100% pork?"
"Well, pork is pig meat and you are human meat!" :)
"Oh, but I'm the other white meat."
Sunday, March 05, 2006
The Oscars
The Academy Awards have always been one of my favorite nights of the year because it was time I always spent with my mom when I was growing up. As a doctor, she seemed to be always working, and didn't have very many interests in common with me. One thing that we always agreed on and always did together, though, was watching the Oscars. We loved the glamour and cinematic romance, the acceptance speeches, and the musical numbers. I miss you, mama-san!
Because I value creativity and love movies (and get no satisfaction from critiquing for its own sake), here is a list of my favorite parts of this year's ceremony:
1. Jon Stewart...handsome, intelligent, different than other hosts.
2. Diverse musical nominations. I thought the choreography was more interesting than usual.
3. The Crash surprise. E!: Entertainment Television predicted a come-from-behind victory, since everything was "Crash, crash, crash" this week ;) And as we know, they're always right.
4. The cute presenter speeches: Ben Stiller and the Wilson boys.
5. Reese Witherspoon's speech about her Grandma. I feel that way about mine (she's a tough cookie!) and I can't wait to see her this month.
6. Michelle Williams' dress. It was so different- I wish I had heard who designed it.
7. The music playing during speeches. It was a little distracting at first, but it started to seem like it eased the winners' tension and gave their speeches more drama, and little bit of gravitas.
8. The speech by the directors of Wallace and Gromit. They're so quinticentially British, and the mini bowties were adorable.
9. Wolfgang Puck's menu for the Governor's Ball...the tuna crisps looked amazing!
10. The satiritcal campaign commercials. I liked the one against Dame Judy Dench, with other Dames questioning her true worthiness to be a Dame.
So now I'm 24. Everyone asks if I feel older or if it feels different. It doesn't; I don't really think of it as an "old" or "young" age at this point. I feel like I'm waiting for something in my life to change, though, and teaching keeps me too exhausted to promote anything new myself! My only big change for the future is still a long way away: I'm going to start studying for the LSATs, though I'm not certain if that's the right choice for my career either. For all my efforts to talk to the members of the band I saw last night at my party (which paid off a bit), I'm not sure that I'm still in the stage of my life when being a groupie is appealing:) So I realize, the change I want most is no longer to be just me, just by myself.
The Academy Awards have always been one of my favorite nights of the year because it was time I always spent with my mom when I was growing up. As a doctor, she seemed to be always working, and didn't have very many interests in common with me. One thing that we always agreed on and always did together, though, was watching the Oscars. We loved the glamour and cinematic romance, the acceptance speeches, and the musical numbers. I miss you, mama-san!
Because I value creativity and love movies (and get no satisfaction from critiquing for its own sake), here is a list of my favorite parts of this year's ceremony:
1. Jon Stewart...handsome, intelligent, different than other hosts.
2. Diverse musical nominations. I thought the choreography was more interesting than usual.
3. The Crash surprise. E!: Entertainment Television predicted a come-from-behind victory, since everything was "Crash, crash, crash" this week ;) And as we know, they're always right.
4. The cute presenter speeches: Ben Stiller and the Wilson boys.
5. Reese Witherspoon's speech about her Grandma. I feel that way about mine (she's a tough cookie!) and I can't wait to see her this month.
6. Michelle Williams' dress. It was so different- I wish I had heard who designed it.
7. The music playing during speeches. It was a little distracting at first, but it started to seem like it eased the winners' tension and gave their speeches more drama, and little bit of gravitas.
8. The speech by the directors of Wallace and Gromit. They're so quinticentially British, and the mini bowties were adorable.
9. Wolfgang Puck's menu for the Governor's Ball...the tuna crisps looked amazing!
10. The satiritcal campaign commercials. I liked the one against Dame Judy Dench, with other Dames questioning her true worthiness to be a Dame.
So now I'm 24. Everyone asks if I feel older or if it feels different. It doesn't; I don't really think of it as an "old" or "young" age at this point. I feel like I'm waiting for something in my life to change, though, and teaching keeps me too exhausted to promote anything new myself! My only big change for the future is still a long way away: I'm going to start studying for the LSATs, though I'm not certain if that's the right choice for my career either. For all my efforts to talk to the members of the band I saw last night at my party (which paid off a bit), I'm not sure that I'm still in the stage of my life when being a groupie is appealing:) So I realize, the change I want most is no longer to be just me, just by myself.
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