It breaks my heart
I try not to pick favorites amongst my students. It leads to teacher's pets and unconsciously unfair treatment over others. But I do have one. And I learned something about him today that made me stop and mist up right in the Special Ed. office.

He's a 7-year-old who loves King Kong and dinosaurs. He speaks with an adorable Spanish accent. He's been my student since September and I've continually wondered why he's not making better progress in English, reading, and writing. In ESL, he still translates his ideas directly from Spanish and they come out with a decidedly non-English morphology. But it's cute, and I can understand it, so I assumed it was just a fluke. After all, his reading speed had been improving, slowly but surely.

He's always working hard and listening to the teacher. He comes into school every day with new dinosaur information, or with new stories about King Kong to tell (or dvd information- "Miss Walters. If you buy Papa John's pizza, they give you free $2 for Kong!"

However, his reading comprehension was so low that I sponsored his Special Ed. They've been assessing him for a while. I gave him his Spring evaluation, and I realized that his oral fluency has gone down 3 points since last year. I finally got some news today: he doesn't qualify for Special Ed. because his ability is alligned with his intelligence. The cause of his problems is simply a very low IQ.

I misted up when I heard that: with a label- ADHD, LD, RD- you have something to work with, something to "overcome" or provide strategies for. This has no easy solution. I know it's not like the poisoned lives of children in the Sudan or Thailand, or many other places in the world, but is an example of the idea that anytime a child is not allowed to live up to their potential- even if it's the stupid dreams of his teacher- it's a sad day for everyone. I know this little boy will do amazing things someday, though, because he's so kind to everyone. I hope he can be an archeaologist, which he agreed was a perfect profession for him once I explained it. And he has a loving family, that's really all that matters.

In American, students like him are lucky. They are not delegated to manual labor at a young age, not teased and tormented by educators, not forced into a lower caste. He will always struggle in school, though, and there's nothing I can do to help him.

Back to Work

I'm actually quite happy to be back at work...I'm amazed at how much I missed the students! They're so cute. But I hate testing. It's so boring. I had to give the State math test for the past two days, but since my students are all non-native English-speaking students, I had to read every question at least two times. It's stressful and dehydrating!

My colleagues are having a hard time accepting the fact that I'm alright. Every day, a few more people come up to me and say "I can't believe you're already here! Are you okay?" It's so nice that they're thinking of me, but a) I've been running around school for the past three days- I'm fine, and b) why did it take surgery for you to talk to me? I finally got up the courage to take off my band-aids today, which hurt because they're so strongly adhesed. It's so surreal to think that about a week ago they cut me open and put a little telescope inside me (and took something out of me).

My mom and brother are coming to visit again on Friday. I get to see Mike on Friday night, and then I'm going out to dinner at my absolute favorite restaurant, Chino Latino, on Saturday night.

I understand illness by proxy much better now, I think, that I felt the side effects of being sick. All of a sudden, all of the attention was on me, everyone worried about me, and listened to me (and brought me flowers). I would never fake an illness (obviously!), but it's a little frightening to return to my normal life on Monday. I didn't realize what I was missing... my brother visited me in the hospital, my mom flew out to visit and folded every piece of clothing that I own, and my grandparents doted on me like they did when I was the youngest grandchild. Once I get back into normal life- which suddenly seems overwhelmingly tedious and lonely- I'm sure I'll feel much better. It just felt so nice to be taken care of, if only for a few days.

I'm excited about my potential summer plans: I found a work program in Ecuador that is a month of working with street children in a day-care-like house. I would love that! I hope I can afford it after my summer courses.

Saturday night?
I'm so lazy, but I'm going to blame that on my recent surgery. I'm going to be using that as an excuse for everything for a while...it already got me macaroni and cheese off the kids' menu at Green Mill, AND it got my month-long late fee erased at Hollywood Video:).

Anyway, call me, email, or contact me some way if you want to go out to dinner on Saturday night at La Bodega in Minneapolis. It's a beautiful Tapas Bar (I said "tapas," get your head out of the gutter) and the gazpacho is amazing.
I won't be able to party or drink yet, but I'll share my flan with you:)

Me, sans appendix
The past few days have felt surreal. Sunday was Easter; beautiful, sunny, full of food and family time. I ran around all day, buying a piñata, helping with cooking, and stuffing myself with candy and my aunt's delicious potatoes with creme frache. Then Sunday night I woke up at 1am with a horrible stomach ache which was so much worse than what I had been feeling sporadically throughout the week. I was awake for 4 hours, just laying on my bed, trying not to move. It hurt so much, and it was superficially sensitive too so even the sheets resting on me were too painful. So I finally decided that I would take myself to urgent care: five days of nausea without actually having the flu is definitely a sign of something.

At Urgent Care, they decided I should get a CAT scan, so we drove to Methodist Hospital and I got to drink the illuminating fluid and wait. By 1pm, 4 hours after I first got there, they called to say that I had appendicitis and I would have surgery that evening! I started laughing:) I knew something was wrong with me when I almost passed out during a verb lesson on Tuesday.

I was admitted at 3 and went to surgery at 3:45. It all seemed really funny: my stomach didn't hurt at all then (I asked to walk to surgery, but I guess that's not permitted) and I didn't completely believe it was actually happening. The last thing I remember (besides the fact that none of the surgical interns are as good-looking as anyone on Grey's Anatomy) is asking my anaesthesiologist to "please knock me out" because I was scared to see the equiptment when I finally got into the OR.

I didn't get any sleep last night at the hospital- they honestly wake you up every 30 minutes! My stomach hurt a little, but they gave me morphine and percocet, which was quite relaxing. I left this morning and spent the day with my relatives, and my mom, who flew in for two days.

I am unbelieveably lucky to a) have caught this so soon, and b) be so young when having this procedure. The day after surgery, I went shopping, went out to dinner, and bought new books at the bookstore. And I'm not supposed to go back to work until Monday. I feel a little bit guilty:(

So that was my past two days...I'm sorry if I haven't been around! That's what I've been up to.

ps- if you want to see what my appendix looked like during the procedure, I have pictures. They're not for the faint of heart!

Grr...
*bitter retail employees, who judge me on the movies I buy at Suncoast and scoff at me when I accidentally whip out my Borders card at Barnes and Noble.
*tail-gaters.
*colleagues who literally run out the door right when school's over, conveniently on every day during the week when we're supposed to label over 100 tests and make a list of every name-to-serial-number correspondence. I consequently spent 6 more hours at work this week, doing something we were all supposed to do. And now it's done.
*being alone at church during Holy Week. I don't know people well enough yet at my new church to sit "with" them...it's so lonely because I've always been a member of such amazing church communities!

I start noticing things like that when I'm tired and I am because I woke up at 5am to run- which was gorgeous, and I love it! I'm going to sleep in so late tomorrow, then go to church, then clean my apartment all day. I bought a new Easter dress, after 3 hours at the mall trying to find something affordable. It's silver silk, with one shoulder and pleats... kind of disco meets Easter :)

Monday :(

I just washed out a container of borscht that had been in my refrigerator for a long time and there was the most disgusting mold growing in it! It look like an octopus tentacle. I almost thought it would grow eyes and slither out of the drain to get me. And now that I wrote that, I'll probably have great dreams tonight ;)

This week is going to be hectic, in the best way. When I was growing up, Holy Week was always a time of breathless anticipation...and not just for chocolate. I was a crucifer and pretty much the only person my age who was available to acolyte, so I ended up serving at almost every service. Once, I was the incense bearer (with the swinging ball-on-chain) at the Easter Vigil, but right before the service we couldn't find the coal. So we built a teeny little fire out of matches. Well, it worked for a while- it was flaming a bit, which might have scared the congregation- but the worst part came when I got to the altar. Right when we stopped, the campfire imploded, and I was surrounded in a pouf of smoke!

I'm going to every service this week. It makes me feel at peace and in touch with the history of our religion. After visiting the cathedrals in England, I can picture Episcopalians celebrating the Easter season with the same practice and prayers that we do today. That tradition, heritage, and most importantly, stability of faith makes me feel safe and part of a historical community. It's so comforting.

Capture the Flag

My first crush was in 4th grade. His name was Scott. He was tall, had glasses, and looked smart, in a Rivers Cuomo kind of way (although I didn't know that then). He was so smart that he had his own groups for reading, math, and spelling, and I was really jealous.

The first time I actually had a long conversation with him was one day during gym. Our class was playing capture the flag in the woods behind our school. It was the most thrilling gym activity because we had almost a mile of dense forest to hide in while planning our tactics. Usually, all of my friends would hide out in the far corner of the forest and just chit chat for an hour, until the whistle blew, but on this day we decided we were going to actually strategize. I was chosen to infiltrate the other team's flag area, tag Scott out (he was the best player), and steal their flag. And it worked! Scott and I talked about the game while we were walking back to school (he was a good loser for a 9 year old boy), and I told him that I would study my spelling words a lot so we could be the only two in his spelling group.

Life was so much simpler then. Tagging a guy out in gym and then praising his spelling skills was all it took.

Anyway, I was running by a park this morning and I felt a longing to play capture the flag (obviously, I'm not mature enough to be a teacher!) But I may have a ctf party this Spring, because it's so much fun and brings backs so many good memories!

Shopping
I think you can tell a lot about someone by what they have in their shopping bags.
Here are mine from tonight...

from Kitchen Window:
3 individual tea bags
an adjustable-quantity measuring cup
assorted Japanese rice crackers
(all of the above- birthday presents for my mom)
Saveur magazine

from Borders:
People magazine
The Da Vinci Code paperback
Just Peace: A Message of Hope by Mattie J.T. Stepanek and Jimmy Carter
Yogapilates, a flowmotion book
US Weekly
InStyle

I'm not sure what that says about me.

I went for a run in the rain this evening. When I got home, it looked like I had been swimming in my clothes...my sweatshirt was completely translucent! And my hair was ringlets and my pants had to be peeled off. I love running in the rain:)

Tomorrow, I'm starting "Operation: Welcome to Our School!" with my students. They're so cute: we're going to brainstorm how to best welcome new kids and they will each get badges.

1) My uncle once: ate only pizza for a year.
2) Never again in my life: will I change myself to please other people.
3) When I was five: I wanted a broken leg so I could have a wheelchair.
4) High School: besides my friends in cross country and AP classes, it was miserable!
5) I will never forget: my time at Oxford, pub crawls, Sunday roasts, Sainsbury's, and teaching Sunday school at Christ Church College Cathedral.
6) I once met: Michael Phelps.
7) There's this girl I know who: is more fashion forward than I am, and she's only 8 years old!
8) Once, at a bar: I caught 10 peanuts in my mouth in a row. I have an innate, freakish talent.
9) By noon I'm usually: between classes, running around school.
10) Last night I: walked to Kinkos and laminated.
11) If I had only: chosen a more productive major...Education Studies sounds like a cop-out major, doesn't it?
12) Next time I go to church, I will: without family or friends, but surrounded by so many cute, little kids.
14) What worries me most: the future of my students.
15) When I turn my head right, I see: my José Guadalupe Posada Aguilar poster from the Mexican Fine Arts Center in Chicago.
16) When I turn my head left, I see: the armless knit cat that my mom got me for my birthday. It's oh so French arts & crafts-looking and came with the name Lana.
17) You know I'm lying when: I say I know where my career will go.
18) You know what I miss most about the eighties: the Smurfs
19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be: Hero/Beatrice from Much Ado About Nothing
20) By this time, next year: I'll be doing the same job, but I'll have a Masters.
21) A better name for me would be: I like Natalia better, but at least Nicole's not too common. Just don't call me Nikki ever!
22) I have a hard time understanding: people who still believe that speaking Arabic makes you a terrorist.
23) If I ever go back to school I'll: get a law degree and be a child-immigration lawyer.
24) You know I like you if: I call you on the phone. Just like everyone in my family, I'm not a phone person!
25) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: my lawyer?
26) Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferarara....are: not my ideal dinner guests.
27) Take my advice, never: resist taking an opportunity because you'd be alone
28) My ideal breakfast is: a cheese omelet.
29) A song I love, but do not have is: the Hall of the Mountain King
30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: getting a chocolate milkshake at Louie's Bakery, hike through the golf course, buy granola at the Co-op, and get some egg drop soup at Panda Garden. I miss Hanover, NH!!
31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars are: signs of Spring.
32) Why won't anyone: stay in touch anymore?
33) If you spend the night at my house: my cat will pounce on you at 4am.
34) I'd stop my wedding for: a good laugh
35) The world could do without: the food they serve at gas stations. It's really not doing anyone any good.
36) I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: ever live in the suburbs again.
37) My favorite blonde is: my cousin Pete.
38) Paperclips are more useful than:staples
39) San Diego means: amazing food.
40) And by the way: I need a new book. Any suggestions?

Shh
I have a job for next year at my school! The principal made me a position. I love my school and its diversity, needs, and struggles that make every student-success even sweeter! I spent one class this afternoon in a lively discussion of who makes immigration laws and why George Bush is not necessarily an "evil man who hates Mexicans" (which some students hear at home) and that he won't send you back to Mexico if you don't protest on Sunday at 2:30 (after one student stated definitively that Mexican-Americans would be deported if they didn't march, all of their ears pricked up).

I am a little worried that I will be replacing someone else in my department. My principal hinted that things in ESL will be shaken up this week... so I'm not allowed to tell anyone at school about my position. I really hope no one's fired!

With my tax refund I'm going to keep paying back my loans, but I'm also trying to figure out how I'm going to improve my Spanish this summer- I can't do subjunctive on the spot to save my life! I found an amazing program caring for orphans in Ecuador, but I'm not sure I could afford to fly there. But I'm excited for my final graduate school classes: a first-year teacher seminar, in which we can discuss successes and failures, and a lecture on teaching cultural diversity at the primary level.

Argh...I actually do better at work when I'm exhausted. It focuses my chi;) When I'm rested, I start worrying about superficial things. I just got into "Angels and Demons" last night at 10pm and so didn't get to sleep until 12:30. I love that book! It's so morbid, but even so, I would love to see the movie. Just as long as Robert Langdon isn't played by Tom Hanks...oh, shoot. Don't they know they ruin the movie when the character's not as handsome as I pictured in my head?

Overwhelming Indecision
Recently, I've been trying to make up my mind about the future of my career. I don't really have to make a choice for a year, but I need to work towards both of my potential jobs simultaneously, which seems counterproductive: I know I will eventually choose one over the other and only the effort I exerted toward that goal will be justified.

I spent all of last week believing, again, that I should go into law. The two fields that I'm interested in are child advocacy and immigration law, or a combination of both, protecting the rights of illegal children. Watching the protests, which were prevalent in Tucson schools, I felt that this career was even more critical.

On the other hand, now I'm thinking that I can find professional challenge and development in teaching. There are many conferences where I can meet the best ESL teachers and researchers in the country. And, at the suggestion of my grandpa:), I might eventually begin researching and publishing. I love my job and I honestly want to do as much as I can to do it better... my students are just like my grandparents, who learned English for the first time in school. Liberal that I am;), I want to make my students' transition into U.S. life much less painful than theirs. Every child who lives in this country deserves to receive the same education, which is only possible with ESL.

My biggest fear (in my profession) is stagnation and the potential for being boxed into a corner. I swear, "Death of a Salesman" ruins any idealism about working! So I never want to be in a position where I have only one option and it's not a satisfying choice. Right now, I'm going to continue studying for the LSATs (which is fun, in a hyper-nerd way... I want to write the terminology on flashcards and stick them on the wall for practice!) and I will continue my professional development as an ESL teacher. Soon, I will have to decide if I want another 1-year substitute position or move to a different school for an "actual" position. At least that's the only choice I need to make right now.

I just redid my white-board calendar and I realized that I have 9 days before testing starts! And the second week is Holy Week, which is my absolutely favorite time of year. Then, for the rest of the month and into May, all I need to do is test. Which is obviously an extreme waste of time for me and for my students, but it does mean no lesson planning for 3 weeks, which means leaving school at 3:30pm everyday! I am soooo going to whip myself into shape;)




















This is where I'll be running everyday...it's gorgeous.

Spring Break
(a photo diary)
































ps- I recommend "New Hampshire" by Matt Pond: I listened to it so many times during my vacation... it's such a beautiful song.