On my mind this weekend:
...the quote from Trent Lott, saying that Bush should find a qualfied "man, woman, or minority" to appoint to the court. It infuriates me that that idea was stated by an elected official, in Washington D.C., the same week that Rosa Parks died. But I'm so glad that she's going to be honored in the capitol.
...Halloween: pagan devil-worshipping or intrinsic part of American culture? Shouldn't I explain to non-English speakers why everyone is wearing costumes...or is that breaching the divide between church and state?
...Jess/Amy's costume party. I'm going as a stood-up prom date, pretty much just so I can wear my homecoming dress again. I love it! But I'm also going to have mascara streaks running down my face to show some effort.
...my principal's observation on Tuesday. I MUST be prepared...Sunday and Monday all-nighters, maybe?
...my favorite song right now, "Tired of Being Sorry" by Ringside. I love the acoustic guitar in the beginning.
...a three-day work week. The Teachers's Union read my mind.
...John McCain. Would I vote for him in 2008? I'm leaning towards yes, unless Barack Obama is running. This was a constant topic of conversation with my grandparents for the past two days. I brought up the Trent Lott quote just to bother them. Then they shunned Heinz ketchup at breakfast just to bother me. It's a little partisan game we like to play:)
...my favorite flowers are lilacs. I've decided that's my official answer.

Oh my gosh, all I've done this week is work. We had two conference nights, when each family gets 30 minutes to meet with the teacher, but I have about 50 students, so it was all running around the school, sporadically explaining the entire curriculum in Spanish. I'm exhausted. And tomorrow is the Harvest festival...we're not even allowed to celebrate Halloween! I need a drink so badly.

Sometimes, when I'm at school, I forget that I'm not one of the students. Oops ;0) Like today, we had a drill of our emergency plan. We never had to do this when I was in school...it's so sad, but I guess this is a post-columbine age. Anyway, without giving away any information, we end up sitting on the floor of my very tiny room for 10 minutes. It's me, eight 3rd-graders, one paraprofessional, in a room the size of my bathroom. In pitch-black darkness. All I could think about as I was shushing them (we have to be silent) was that it would be fun if I said "boo!" Honestly. But, in my defense, we were all sitting on the floor, near or under the table, and they kept giggling, and I got about 5 hours of sleep last night. I was already kind of loopy.

I was thinking about Wash U today and how the difficulty of being a teacher is different (basically, I was doing compare/contrast). Although I am exhausted and feeling stressed out, it comes from a different source. While college was mentally draining, ideas could always be synthesized down into topic sentences or subjects for papers; that was a goal in itself. But here, there is just too much information. The goal is still synthesis, I think, but there is no way- absolutely no way- to figure everything out and organize every element of instruction. Example: I'm supposed to assess comprehension in every lesson I teach. How am I supposed to do that every day in 25 minutes? How can I teach a lesson with content, language, skills, strategies, etc. and have that part too? There's no time! Grr. So in the end, while I can plan for over 20 hours during my vacation (that's right), I can still leave out a piece. And then when someone pops in to observe me, that small mistake stands out like a glaring error, as though I sat around debating whether or not to include it and chose not to. At least this isn't organic chemistry: I can understand every concept in isolation (like comprehensible input, kinesthetic vocabulary instruction, on-task participation, engagement, text-to-self connections, rephrasing, etc.). It's just putting them all together, so not a minute of class time is wasted, that makes being a teacher sometimes just as difficult as being a college student. That, and I can never skip class, fall asleep during class, make up what I don't understand later, bs a paper (they can spot when I'm bsing here;0), or drop a class. I feel like my job should be a show: "True Life, diary of a teacher." Here my catchphrase: "You think it should be easier- after all the studying I did in college, now I just teach elementary school... but you have no idea."

"East of anywhere," writes a reporter for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, "often evokes the other side of the tracks. But, for a first-time visitor suddenly deposited on its eerily empty streets, East St. Louis might suggest another world." The city, which is 98 percent black, has no obstetric services, no regular trash collection, and few jobs. Nearly a third of its families live on less than $7,500 a year; 75 percent of its population lives on welfare of some form. The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development describes it as "the most distressed small city in America."

...

It is, according to a teacher at the University of Southern Illinois, "a repository for a nonwhite population that is now regarded as expendable...

Now and then the possibility is raised by somebody in East St. Louis that the state may someday try to end the isolation of the city as an all-black entity. This is something, however, that no one with power in the state has ever contemplated. Certainly, no one in government proposes busing 16,000 children from this city to the nearby schools of Bellevue, Fairview Heights or Collinsville; and no one in tends to force these towns to open up their neighborhoods to racially desegregated and low-income housing. So there is, in fact, no exit for these children. East St. Louis will likely be left just as it is for a good many years to come: a scar of sorts, an ugly metaphor of filth and overspill and chemical effusions, a place for blacks to live and die within, a place for other people to avoid when they are heading for St. Louis."

-from Savage Inequalities by Jonathan Kozol.

I was thinking about East St. Louis this afternoon and how I never went there during my four years at Washington University. It's not like I had any reasons to go there; I didn't go very far from the campus as it was. But I clearly remember the warnings that I received about the city and what could happen if I crossed that bridge.

The closest I got was at an elementary school that I worked at as part of a psychology of education class, but it was still on the west side of the river. The front gate of the school was always in a new mangled form, because, apparently, crazy drivers from East St. Louis would take the exit ramp off the highway and plow right into the gate every single time it was replaced. The secretaries also told me never to leave anything in sight in my car or the window would invariably be smashed. That school was not as bad as the schools that Kozol describes in his book, which I had to read again this summer, but there was evidence of blatant differences between it and the school that I teach at now. Lunch was always a crazy unwrapping of every single piece of plasticware and food from plastic covering. All the food was highly processed. The lead teacher in the preschool classroom where I worked often left during the day to go get drive-through and answered her cell phone during class. And on career day, children were encouraged to go into the fields of city service, lawncare, or maintenance.

The conservative philosophy of teaching believes that America needs to be separated into those who can succeed in more educationally demanding professions and those who fill the jobs that require less schooling. I'm not saying that any career, in service or production, is not distinguished or honorable. I think that any (or almost all) professionals done with goodwill, honesty, and dedication are assets to our society...and worthy pursuits. But I believe that schools should present limitless options to students. Is there any reason why the African American student body at an elementary school in urban St. Louis should be presented with different options than the kids in Ladue? In terms of resources, yes, success will be more difficult. It may also be in terms of preparedness outside of school and financial eligibity. But in terms of each child, I don't think that that kind of delineation should ever be made.

I started thinking about all of this while I was lesson planning this afternoon. I was trying to think of a famous Latino or Latina who I could use in a biography project with my students. Honestly, the first person who popped into my head was Selena, but obviously that wouldn't work so well. Then I thought of Bill Richardson, but he was raised in Connecticut with many advantages. I think it is extremely important to present my students, who are mainly latino, with a role model of someone who worked hard to learn English, stay in school, and follow his or her dreams. And while I was searching for this mystery person, I came across a famous name who had actually grown up in East St. Louis. Although it wouldn't be meaningful to my students, few of whom are old enough to have gotten deep into geography (not to mention sociology and demographics), I was encouraged that this person had moved on from a childhood in East St. Louis. I found out that one of the most famous athletes in the world spent part of her life in the city that Kozol described as unliveable and inescapable: Jackie Joyner Kersee.

Although she eventually became the fastest woman in the world, she had horrible asthma as well, possibly a side effect of the chemical pollution in East St. Louis. It made me so happy to know that there is a native child of that place who could be an inspiration to future generations (albeit she was mainly successful in sports, not academics, but that's really a different argument).

Please leave me a comment if you know of any non-native-English-speaking Latino-Americans who have worked their way to educational and professional success. Although I've found websites about successful scientists and mathematicians, I'm sad that I can't find even one that I've heard of before.

Today's been completely unproductive (professionally). I love it so much, and I think I needed it more than I knew.

So far I've...
*gone grocery shopping. I bought the beautiful orange lantern flowers that I was always afraid to buy before (because I thought I would accidentally crush them? I don't know). I made a flower arrangement that even Martha Stewart might approve of; it's quite the harvest festival look on my dining room table.
*watched "Matthew McConaghey (?) uncut, a show about his road trip to promote a movie.
*washed all of my dishes, even the new crystal I took from a free box outside someone's garage. They're beautiful -if kind of quirky- decorative glasses.
*made a mix of my favorite veggietales songs for my cousins.
*listened to Keane again. I will never stop loving their first album! I'll probably be singing these songs at the social hour when I'm in a nursing home.

Riveting, huh? Next I'm going to go really crazy and vacuum everywhere! I'm going to get all those centipedes with my shock and awe suction...they'll never know what got them. And tonight I'm going to see the Decemberists downtown.

Today was so relaxing. I woke up at 11 and went out to lunch at my favorite restaurant. My plan was to lesson plan all afternoon, but I decided to snuggle up in my old quilt for a few minutes on the couch and I woke up again 3 hours later...I think school is wearing me out more than I realized! Since it's gorgeous outside, I'm going to walk to the Greek deli and buy a snack (they make amazing pistachio desserts), then walk down to the lake. Maybe I'll start work tomorrow. Then again, maybe I won't.

After leaving school and spending a few hours doing something mindless, I feel so much better! Everything can seem so overwhelming sometimes, especially when I overextend my impact as a teacher in my mind and picture my little students smoking behind the high school in 6 years because I didn't have the sense or time to teach long vowel sounds this week. Some of my students are already showing signs of the attitude that I saw when I was student teaching in high school. Argh. My goal (um, number 154), is to stop the apathy and academic rejection from happening.

Since this blog makes it seem like I have no life outside of school, which is completely not true, here are 5 things I've done this week that are not related to my job:
1. I fogged my bedroom to get rid of the centipedes that were crawling on me in my sleep.
2. I saw Elizabethtown because I had to do something senseless after school today and didn't have the energy to go for a run. It could have been so good if Kirsten Dunst wasn't in it and there was a lot less soundtrack.
3. Hmm...I started sleeping in my living room (see #1).
4. Chipotle for dinner on Tuesday night...I love it! My favorite is chicken, guacamole, and cheese.
5. I finally hung my José Guadalupe Posada Aguilar poster from the Mexican Fine Arts Center. It's so very Pedro Páramo.

Well, I have four days off now, so I'm going to make up for lost time :)

Today was a professional development/inservice day at school. These days are the most stressful, anxiety-ridden, mentally-challenging days I have. We get bombarded with information: rank all the students using this new software; plan your schedule based on achievement/test scores/disabilities/content/strategies; find materials to teach that are appropriate for each student (which is a challenge in any elementary classroom, but I've got 40 students, some special ed., some non-reading in their native language, some who need help in math as well); learn a new teaching method; and receive tens of handouts with new methodology. Now have a good weekend! Yeah, right. I know that just sorting through this information and cross-referencing every piece of assessment, etc. that I have on each student will take me at least a day- and that's not even applying it! I almost, almost, lost it when I learned that some of my students are pulled-out during the beginning of reading, so they never get to listen to the story, and yet have to answer all the questions with the class, and are eventually accountable for the information. And these are my students who are at lower levels! I've been teaching them with the assumption that they have already read the story, no wonder they're lost/confused/frustrated/acting out. (Anger makes me use the / a lot). Everything comes back to us teachers on a weekly basis as results: how are we preparing our students to achieve the standards, to progress to the next level, and to receive high test scores (which, thankfully, my school never talks about when mentioning explicit goals)? How can I do those things? I am set to spend my break preparing, which I really want to, but at the same time I'm scared that there may not be a solution. And that's not fair to these little children who are trying so hard to catch up to their peers. Maybe I'll erect a little tent in my small classroom and just live here. There are soda machines, tvs, and microwaves, which are basically all of the appliances I need. That way I'll know I'm doing everything I can possible do to stop my students from being left behind. And there is something oddly comforting about being in the school. The incredible anxiety of being a teacher is somewhat countered by the nostalgia of being in a cute, little elementary school and reading all of the motivational posters on the walls.

In honor of being a girl and actually liking to cry sometimes (which I really can't explain), here are my top 5 sob stories:

5. "You Can Count On Me"
The last scene, with the two of them on the bench, and she doesn't know when she's going to see her little brother again ::deep breath:: It reminds me so much of how I worry about John and how there are some things that we know about our family and each other that no one else will ever fully appreciate. (Ryu-kiss, for example, which is too stupid to explain, but comes from the Street Fighter video game).
4. "Sense and Sensibility"
Okay, it's trite and forceful, what with the desperation of poor women, and the extremely handsome and wealthy Hugh Grant to sweep in at the last minute, but Emma Thompson is such a good actress!
3. "Life is Beautiful"
Well, here you've got the Holocaust, which everyone could cry about indefinitely, but Roberto didn't stop there. Oh no he didn't. He added an adorable little boy, a mother's selfless act, a father's undying devotion and protection of his son, and a reunion finale. And then at the Oscars, he jumped on the seats! Multiple kleenex box action.
2. "Follow That Bird"
The one that started all the crying. It's got a beloved childhood character painted blue, locked in a cage, singing a song of melancholy! I'm completely serious when I say that it gets me every time- nobody does that to Big Bird!
1. "Steel Magnolias"
Before the whole death with decency debate of 2005, this movie tackled the issue. There are southern friends, Dylan McDermott (which doesn't make me cry, but I like it), and diabetic seizures. Shirley MacLaine is so good at the funeral. This movie is number one because there's really no other plot; it's all just building up happiness for an hour so it can shock every character with the sadness.

I would really like to hear a male perspective on the tear-jerker;) Are there any movies you'd admit to?

I went to see "Goodnight, and Good Luck" tonight. I thought it was interesting, but scary to the extent that American civil liberties were attacked so recently in the past...I guess they still are a bit, but I think our government is so manipulative and internally-loyal that no one would ever know. I loved that the movie was in black and white...it was so beautiful. It reminded me of "Quiz Show."

One of my favorite things in the world is going into Borders without a purpose and buying as many interesting books as I can carry. It's such a bad habit! It reminds me of when I was little, though...my parents are book fiends and it's one indulgence they always permitted. We really never went to the library. I guess whatever worth reading was worth keeping in our home to read again. I love that philosophy. Which is why I already have so books, including all of my college lit. Hmm, I wonder when I'll ever go back to "Girls' Schooling In the Progressive Era" or "Sex and Citizenship in Antebellum America?" But my dream is to someday have a huge library in my house, with bookshelves so high that there is a ladder, big comfy chairs, and a fireplace. I will read E.M. Forster while sipping Earl Grey and eating scones, snuggled into a warm, fuzzy blanket. I would love that! Between growing prize orchids, baking pies, and playing the organ at the local parish, I could eventually be a perfect old British lady:)

I bought "Paris to the Moon" by Adam Gopnik today. I wish I could experience la vie quotidienne in Paris.

This morning at 2:30, I woke up with a start because I thought I felt centipede feet crawling up my leg, which happens a lot since my encounter with one last week. It was kind of warm in my room, so I got up to turn on my air conditioning. The second I turned it on, my power went out. So I went down to the basement and replaced the fuse, all the while thinking that a crazy homeless person was going to jump out from under the staircase and strangle me (it was really dark and creepy in the hallway). When I got back to my apartment, on the third floor, my power was still out, so I went down and replaced the first fuse. Then I went back upstairs and my power was still out. So I went back down again and replaced the second fuse. Each time the meter started moving right away...how can the meter be moving and my power not be on? It doesn't make sense to me, but it still didn't work. This experience is starting to answer a question that I've been thinking about for a while: why is my rent so cheap? ;)

I'm running out of time. I just don't have enough to do everything that's needed for this job and maintain a decent apartment. I work 7:20 (when I leave for work) to about 7pm (when I usually get home) every day! And this weekend I was so determined to be completely prepared for this week so I would have time to run and prepare for my apartment warming party this Friday. I got to school this morning and everything's changed, my preparation is irrevelant, and I'm in a despondent mood. I really wouldn't mind if there was a huge snow storm tonight;)

I recommend Wallace & Gromit's "The Curse of the Were-Rabbit" to everyone! It is so funny, inventive, and adorable. It's good for adults, and all ages of kids...my cousins, who are 6, 8, and 10 all loved it. Plus, it has a pro-eat-your-vegetables, anti-hunting message, and every character is British:)

My little brother

I almost never see stories about older sister/younger brother relationships on TV or in movies. The only one I can think of is "You Can Count On Me," which is one of my favorite movies, partially for that reason. I think the reason that it's rarely portrayed is that the characteristics attached to older children (independence and ambition) are more valued in men and the stereotypical characteristics of younger children (dependence and more easy-going personalities) are seen as signs of weakness. I don't know, really. I didn't like psychology. Anyway, my brother and I fit the roles of our birth order. Maybe that's why we just recently started getting along with each other!

Up until I left for college, we really didn't like each other. Even though is was miserable back then, it's really funny now to think about it! We were just talking on the phone and we both agreed ( "I didn't like you." "Yeah, me neither!" Hahaha). Isn't that sad? He has changed so much since middle school and I've probably changed even more since I left for college. We've had so much fun hanging out for the past year with him so close by. He came to the Hmong New Year with me where we rocked the jingle shoes:) And I took him an egg McMuffin for his birthday this summer, then we drove to the grocery store and took pictures, so he could remember his 20th birthday (did I mention he's 6 ft. and still growing? I really missed out on those genes!)

I feel like I'm at the age when all of the stereotypes about growing up start to apply, you go through the emotions for the first time, and people get to say "that's life" over and over. I hate that. But it does help to dull the pain. That's right- my little brother has a girlfriend now and he doesn't call or visit me anymore. I actually called him today and gave him a guilt trip. I feel like that's such a Lifetime Movie kind of thing for a sister to do! I've never done it before. I miss him, though: even though we spent the first 17 years of our time together feeling mutual dislike, he is one of my favorite people now (giving up the Magic cards was a huge step in the right direction). But he's such a good brother...as soon as I put him on the guilt trip, he scheduled a visit this month. Abrazos, hermano menor! :)

You can learn a lot about the former tenants of your apartment by the catalogues you receive. My bedside reading currently includes Railroad Enthusiast Monthly.

I worked for 13 hours yesterday. And yet I still love my job! Although the ultra-peppy Sunshine Teacher-Spirit group makes me feel a bit nauseated.

My favorite episode of "Made" was on MTV last night. It's about a white Minnesota teenager who wants to become a rapper. So much of the episode is taped in Uptown! And the club he plays at at the end is right near the U.

Sunday morning I woke up and saw this crawling towards me on my pillow.

I got no sleep last night.

Le sigh. I was in such a complaining mood yesterday.

Honestly, I'm so lucky. I have the energy and health to see all my school issues as challenges and work to overcome them.

So I'm going to reduce my anger to one, non-professionally-related idea: if one more person tells me "Well, you're going to have no life during your first year of teaching...no one does," I'm going to go home, bake some messy, gooey pies, and throw them at that person:) When people are in a bad, semi-discouraging situation, telling them that a lot of people are in the same boat (i.e. that I should expect this to be a 24/7 job) is so not helpful. Please, please, please, could someone give me advice that would actually help me to deal with all the pressure of my first job, instead of just commiserating? I'm sure that people I know actually have so much wisdom to share. And I am determined to be a good teacher while simultaneously continuing life outside of school. And by "life," I'll be happy with just being able to run a little each day...the lakes are soooo beautiful this time of year and I'm in love with my ipod (and InXS). There has to be a way to make it all balance:)